blurts

it is hard to know when people are being honest with you, especially if your history with them leads you to be suspicious.  one way you can really tell when someone is telling you something truthful is when they blurt out things.

i dated a guy one time and during a conversation he blurted out that i shouldnt trust him, i thought it was really weird and it did not take long to figure out he was telling me something true about his personality.

i had a relative that blurted out about a situation that blood was thicker than water.  it totally didnt really fit the conversation and i was perplexed by it.  once i got into the situation i realized she was involved with a man that was not good for her and when push came to shove blood was NOT thicker than water.  she was trying to warn me that a decision between me and someone else might come up.

i had a friend that suddently blurted out that her sister thought it was funny she had already picked her bridesmaids so far before the wedding because she wouldnt be friends with half of them when the time came.  guess what!  when her wedding rolled around she had changed out half the people originally in the wedding, including myself!

i met a new friend and was at lunch when they blurted out that they dont have many friends, thought it was weird.  now i know why they dont have many friends!

i know  you shouldnt go around trying to read meaning into everything you see or hear but sometimes you just have to listen, people are trying to tell you something.  but i think we are so deep into a situation that we have our own idea what we need or what direction we want something to go in and we choose to ignore and then later we get angry.  can we really be angry with that person?  to be honest they did try to warn us.  maybe we should start really listening and then when things dont work out tell them thank you for trying to warn you!  naw, that's no fun!  ;0)-

vegetarian

a little over a month ago i decided to go vegetarian and this will be my first thanksgiving without turkey!  i think this might be the hardest day for me.  i love me some turkey.  but i dont really want to talk all about the quitting and all that.  i want to talk about an unintended side effect!

i remember clearly when i was about 10 i went to my aunt's house for my two week summer vacation.  she only lived in the next state, not even an hour drive away, but i loved my little vacation.  this time my brother had the task of driving me there, he would have been about 20, to bribe him into taking me my aunt said she would cook for him.  my aunt could cook!  i remember she made pork chops and i remembered when we sat down to eat and she wanted to put a pork chop on my plate i refused.  i have no idea what came over me but i didnt want that pork chop.

from that day forward i would not eat pork.  wasnt raised that way, didnt know anyone else who was that way, just knew it wasnt for me.  years later if i did accidentally eat some pork i would usually know it because i would become sick.  i would always tell people i dont eat pork and they would always say but you eat bacon right?  what?  bacon is pork!  i never had a good answer why i didnt want to eat it and i hated always asking what kind of meat was in something.  it led to lots of awkward conversations.

now, i just ask if there is meat and i state that i am a vegetarian and no one makes a big deal about it.  some people want to know why but vegetarianism is so mainstream now that it really isnt a big deal.  i am sure if i dated a cattle baron it might come up and be kind of a big deal but for the most part and in the town i live, it really isnt even a conversation starter.  no more awkward i dont eat pork conversations.  another positive to giving up meat!

name in the window

sometimes you grow up with something and it never crosses your mind that others might think it is weird and then when that happens it makes you stop and think.................

i grew up in a small town, population about 2,000 and we were basically the blinking light intersection in the highway between two larger cities.  it is basically a bedroom community where generations of families have lived and you know almost everyone in town.  my childhood was one of being raised by a village, i was on my own a lot, original latch-key kid, but all my nosey neighbors were watching!

i now live in a larger city, at one end of that highway that goes through my small town, they now have 2 traffic signals!  the other day i decided to go to the mall with a friend of mine but took a large detour to my hometown to run a couple of errands.  we drove down the "main drag" past the local methodist church and there were cars parked every where.  we were trying to decide what was going on, hoping for a local bake sale with homemade goodies when she noticed a lot of people were wearing black and thought it might be a funeral.  i said we would be driving past the funeral home so we could see who's name was in the window.

what?  we can see who's name is in the window?  they put names in the window?  yeah, that's how you know who died and when the funeral is.  right then we got to the funeral home, look, in the window, there is his name and it mentions the methodist church, it is his funeral today.

my friend couldnt believe it.  to me it was a way to pass the word in my small town so you know who to pay your respects to and maybe if you want to duck in and sign the guest book or attend the visitation.  we were lucky to have a local paper but it only comes out once a week, if you waited to find out who died by reading the paper you could miss the service.  makes complete sense to me, never occured to me that it would not make sense to someone else. 

apology

at one time or another we have all been looking for an apology.  sometimes you receive an apology when you are not looking for one and that is a great thing.  but usually the situation is that you are wanting an apology and are not getting it.  sometimes i have found myself telling someone that they have been hurtful and i expect an apology.  but how many times do we get one, for me they have been few and far between.  i have found that the times that i really need it is when i usually don't get it.

there are also the times you want an apology and after a passage of time you finally get it.  it is not always what you expected or wanted.  and sometimes the apology makes things worse.  recently i was in a position where i was telling anyone who would listen that i thought someone owed me an apology and i was not going to budge til i got one.  i finally got it.  all better now?  far from it.

how can you even try to accept an apology when it is given and you are asked if you accept and before you answer they keep prattling on?  if the apology is really a bunch of excuses is it really sincere?  when there are a couple of angry outbursts that you have to get back in their face about, is that really an apology?

i believe an apology should be given and then silence for a chance for the other person to accept or not.  there can be follow up questions first, explanations may be asked for and then and only then should they be made.  i don't feel they should be EXCUSES and they certainly should not be an opportunity to elicit sympathy for the person apologizing.  you were rude to me, you need to apologize to me, i do not want to hear your excuses or your poor me stories, just frickin' say you are sorry, in a sincere tone, and shut up!

divorce

if i were to tell you that i recently left a 47 year relationship that was verbally, emotionally and at times physically abusive what would your reaction be?  some might say good for you!  you go girl!  about time!  what took you so long!  i think people would for the most part be supportive.

now what if i told you the man i now never ever want to see, talk to, be involved with in any way shape or form is my father?  now you start getting the judgements.  he is your father.  honor your father.  i lost my father you should appreciate him while he is still alive.  oh, you will get over it.  what is it about a parent that sets people off?  that gives them the unwritten right to tell you how you should behave?  an abusive man - good job, leave his miserable ass!  an abusive parent - what is wrong with YOU! 

my answer:  walk a mile.  please dont judge what got me to this point without knowing what happened or experiencing it yourself?  feel the need to judge me?  walk a mile.  until you walk that mile in MY shoes dont try to bully me into doing what YOU think is right.  walk a mile my dear friend walk a mile and while you are at it, keep your self righteous judgements to yourself.

Reset button

so, i recently had a birthday, it wasnt one of those "big" birthdays but it did get me a year closer to one of those.  not sure why but i seem to be a lot more reflective this year than in the past.  i found myself, the other day, sitting on the toilet in a big box store and suddenly i was like there should be a reset button.  if i could go back to like age 18, just starting out on the adventure, with the knowledge that i have amassed what would i do different?

i am what they would call an old maid, i hate that term, but being of a certain age and having never been married or had children people wonder what is wrong with you.  throw in the cat and my ability to knit and i become a stereotype.  over the years i have struggled with the questions about why i have not married or reproduced and i have come up with quite a few answers to use, but only reaching a certain age and doing some soul searching do you really realize what it was that sent you down this path of fierce and extreme independence.

i believe that we get dealt the hand we are dealt with our parents and there isnt much you can do about that but at some point you have to stop whining about it and become the adult and take your life back.  i always thought i was doing that but the other morning, at brunch with a good friend, i realized that the crap with my parents was still affecting me.  i might be able to talk about it and say i am not going to be that way but i didnt realize that their voices were still in my head and those voices were dictating my decisions.  my relationship with relationships was completely the way they were because of my relationships with my parents.  as much as i ran from it and tried to be completely different my actions were being dictated by the feelings i had about my relationship with them.  i am fierce.  i am self sufficient.  i am independent.  i am not really in control, no matter how much i want to believe i am.  now i get it.  now what?  how do i change it?  can i change it?  how long will that take and is it too late?  where is the reset button.

tell tale sign

so, our insurance company decided that for us to get a "discount" we have to go online and fill out all this stuff and earn points.  i guess it is just leveling the playing field cuz the old system was you marked a form that you were either a smoker, non-smoker or smoker trying to quit.  the last two options got you the discount.  seriously?  who is going to be honest, yeah, i am a smoker and i love it and i am never gonna quit and in the time it took me to mark this box i smoked 5 cigarettes!  it was stupid. 

now we have to log on and fill out a self report form telling our blood pressure and cholesterol and weight and what not.  then you have to earn more points by doing certain other things.  well, once i filled out my self report i immediately got an email saying i qualified for a health coach!  it was so quick after finishing that it never crossed my mind that maybe everyone got one or every 50th visitor to the site got one or something like that.  instead i saw it as a sinister message that i was in a bad way!

my coach asks me a lot of questions.  most of them about what i currently do, what my goals are and what i am doing to get there.  seriously?  shouldnt he be telling me how to reach my goals?  now, i read a LOT and i know how much you should exercise and what you should and should not eat, i am not stupid.  my problem is sticking with a plan.  i can cook healthy and eat healthy and even up my exercise but sticking to it for more than a couple months is my problem.  and i always know when i am starting to falter....................

there it was, shining brightly in the sun, bone white, on the car seat, a tell-tale sign that i had gone off the healthy wagon that day, there it was mocking me, for all to see, a seasame seed!  damn you ronald!