so, i recently had a birthday, it wasnt one of those "big" birthdays but it did get me a year closer to one of those. not sure why but i seem to be a lot more reflective this year than in the past. i found myself, the other day, sitting on the toilet in a big box store and suddenly i was like there should be a reset button. if i could go back to like age 18, just starting out on the adventure, with the knowledge that i have amassed what would i do different?
i am what they would call an old maid, i hate that term, but being of a certain age and having never been married or had children people wonder what is wrong with you. throw in the cat and my ability to knit and i become a stereotype. over the years i have struggled with the questions about why i have not married or reproduced and i have come up with quite a few answers to use, but only reaching a certain age and doing some soul searching do you really realize what it was that sent you down this path of fierce and extreme independence.
i believe that we get dealt the hand we are dealt with our parents and there isnt much you can do about that but at some point you have to stop whining about it and become the adult and take your life back. i always thought i was doing that but the other morning, at brunch with a good friend, i realized that the crap with my parents was still affecting me. i might be able to talk about it and say i am not going to be that way but i didnt realize that their voices were still in my head and those voices were dictating my decisions. my relationship with relationships was completely the way they were because of my relationships with my parents. as much as i ran from it and tried to be completely different my actions were being dictated by the feelings i had about my relationship with them. i am fierce. i am self sufficient. i am independent. i am not really in control, no matter how much i want to believe i am. now i get it. now what? how do i change it? can i change it? how long will that take and is it too late? where is the reset button.
